“I am not looking to escape my darkness, I am learning to love myself there.”
Rune Lazuli
For me, today is a dark day. Despite the fact that my blog is generally surrounded around beauty, I would like to discuss the darkness that is March 3rd. Today is my brother’s death anniversary.
I stayed tight-lipped about my brother’s death for too long. What makes people more uncomfortable than depression and suicide? God forbid I was the source of anyone’s discomfort.
It wasn’t until I was curled up naked on the bathroom floor sobbing “I can’t do this anymore” when I understood the importance of speaking about the disease that took my brothers life. I suffer from the same disease – I was diagnosed with depression shortly after my mother passed away, and I have battled it ever since. For me, depression comes in waves. It debilitates me, and then subsides into remission…only to bring me to my knees again. I fight depression with all my might. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I fear, like my brother, depression will take me too.
Because of these reasons, I will speak words of love and light in my brother’s name in hopes that the stigma of depression will subside, and there will be less victims fallen to suicide.
So, here, we discuss March 3rd, which is the most haunting of days for me – the sounds of my mother banging on the kitchen counter at 4 AM and the enclosing ambulance sirens.
Today, I will remember my brother in all his glory. He was intelligent, handsome, athletic, kind and funny. He was 18.
So, I ask you – in fact, I beg you – to speak words of kindness and love. Speak up against depression. Speak your own stories or stories of others. Just speak. Just love. And if you’re suffering too, just breathe.
As for me, I will continue to fight and I will continue to pull myself off the bathroom floor. At the end of my dark tunnel, I believe my struggle will only make me a stronger advocate for mental health.
Rest gently with the stars, CJT.
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