SELF-LOVE & Depression

I am not looking to escape my darkness, I am learning to love myself there.

-Rune Lazuli

Hi everyone!! This post may stray from my lighthearted makeup posts, but I have some things I want to share with you.

As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression in December. It was a dark couple of months. I had quit my job to focus on my mental health, found myself contemplating ending my life on the bathroom floor numerous times, and began hating myself for inflicting such emotional agony onto myself. These thoughts of self-hatred, anger, and pity spiralled me deeper into my depression. There was a point where I believed no amount of beauty could outweigh the tremendous pain in the world.

In an attempt to heal myself, I began expressing love and attempting to radiate kindness. I began volunteering, smiling at strangers, and taking the time to wish acquaintances happy birthday. I loved my friends unconditionally through their bad days. I lended them a hand to hold without judgement.

It was then that I relized that the only way out of my depression was to love myself through it as well. My depression was not a result of my brain trying to hurt me. My depression was my brain’s way of coping with the losses I had experienced. Depression is the way your brain copes, grieves, and, most importantly, transforms.

I didn’t have to “battle” my depression – nobody should ever have to battle themselves. I  had to accept that my brain was coping and I had to love myself through it. I had to be kind to myself, be gentle with my heart. Instead of hating myself for falling on the bathroom floor crying, I let myself sob, I cradled myself through it, and I congratulated myself when I stood back up. It was when I began to love myself, depression and all, that my depression began to subside.

My advice to you is to just love yourself through the bad days. There is nothing wrong with you just because you hurt. You are strong and you are capable and you are beautiful and YOU DESERVE YOUR OWN LOVE. For the people who struggle with depression, I had a girlfriend tell me, “The opposite must be equal”. We can feel so much hurt, but we can feel the equal intensity of love, happiness, and light.

…And then there was a moment on Tuesday where I heard the ducks quacking and saw the budding green on the trees and I thought: “moments like this outweigh the pain”.

Thanks for taking the time to read and I wish you all the beautiful light and healing xx,

 

 

HAUNTING | MOMENTS

“I am not looking to escape my darkness, I am learning to love myself there.”

Rune Lazuli

 

For me, today is a dark day. Despite the fact that my blog is generally surrounded around beauty, I would like to discuss the darkness that is March 3^rd. Today is my brother’s death anniversary.

I stayed tight-lipped about my brother’s death for too long. What makes people more uncomfortable than depression and suicide? God forbid I was the source of anyone’s discomfort. 

It wasn’t until I was curled up naked on the bathroom floor sobbing “I can’t do this anymore” when I understood the importance of speaking about the disease that took my brothers life. I suffer from the same disease – I was diagnosed with depression shortly after my mother passed away, and I have battled it ever since. For me, depression comes in waves. It debilitates me, and then subsides into remission…only to bring me to my knees again. I fight depression with all my might. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I fear, like my brother, depression will take me too.

Because of these reasons, I will speak words of love and light in my brother’s name in hopes that the stigma of depression will subside, and there will be less victims fallen to suicide.

So, here, we discuss March 3^rd, which is the most haunting of days for me – the sounds of my mother banging on the kitchen counter at 4 AM and the enclosing ambulance sirens.

Today, I will remember my brother in all his glory. He was intelligent, handsome, athletic, kind and funny. He was 18. 

So, I ask you – in fact, I beg you – to speak words of kindness and love. Speak up against depression. Speak your own stories or stories of others. Just speak. Just love. And if you’re suffering too, just breathe.

As for me, I will continue to fight and I will continue to pull myself off the bathroom floor. At the end of my dark tunnel, I believe my struggle will only make me a stronger advocate for mental health.

Rest gently with the stars, CJT.